Saturday, February 13, 2010

Will God forgive me for hating him?

The problem is that I can't love God.

I spent my entire childhood, and a huge chunk of my adulthood, literally knowing that when I die, I will burn in agony forever. That's a long time to work up a grudge, as I spent my days horrified by what lay in front of me.

So now I have a problem: I don't think I can make myself love Yahweh. I've spent too much time imagining myself screaming in agony with no escape. And during this time I've developed some strange sympathies. Hitler, for example. Spending all that time next to him writhing in agony sort of gave me a soft spot for him. It made me think that maybe nobody at all deserves to suffer forever. Maybe not even Hitler. Maybe he just needs a few billion kicks in the rear-end and then we all figure out what went wrong and try to repair things.

Some other weird thoughts took root at about that time. Like maybe the whole idea of eternal torture is immoral. Like maybe, when I really look at it, I can't figure out how to fit hell into the idea of a loving god. You can see where all this leads. I really just think that Yahweh is immoral. Evil. And the problem is that I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to reconcile a hideous torture with a god of love, so I have to decide that he's not a god of love at all, but something really ugly.

Still, I'm terrified of him, because he is the boss. I want to know if anyone thinks that I could maybe get some mercy and just be allowed to cease to exist? Would you pray for this to Yahweh on my behalf, as an act of kindness? Would he grant your request?

Best answer, posted by "peetr":

Hey, if he ever shows up, call me and we'll kick his butt together. I'm righteously pissed at him/it too.

And immoral doesn't even begin to cover the stuff he/it would be responsible for. Unfortunately we'll never get the chance, since it's all made up anyway. But the next believer who shows up in my life will get the butt kicking we won't have a chance to give to "his boss"

My response:

Sibling-in-arms. Join me in silently marching into hell with eyes firmly on God's eyes. We'll be like Denzel Washington taking a beating in that movie Glory. A hollow moral victory, but what can you expect when you're about to spend eternity in agony.

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