Never challenge "worse"

Wow, I entitled my last post "My darkest day". I shouldn't have said that. Monday was far worse.

In my desperate state I've been reaching out to a lot of people from the past, including my sisters. I renewed ties with my older sister Theresa a couple of weeks ago, and we've been exchanging emails. But then on Monday, while my friend Lisa was cooking for me, I was chatting with Theresa online and expressing my desire not to get better.

Next thing I know, Lisa comes to me and says that the cops are here and wanting to talk to me. First off, I've been sitting naked in bed since September 2009. So the first thing I have to do is get dressed. But at this point I'm terrified that huge, armed men are going to walk into my bedroom at any minute. I post one last question to Theresa, just so I'll know whether she is my Judas. Sure enough, she has called the cops. Goodbye forever, Theresa.

Then I have to rush outside, and it's cold, so I stuff my hands into my pockets. The bigger cop goes all stiff and orders me to get my hands out of my pockets, like I'm some psycho or something. Then I spend the next ten minutes degrading myself, abjectly begging these guys to let me go back to bed. They're kind and polite, but they have guns. They have the nerve to tell me that it will be "voluntary".

Voluntary. When two large men with guns tell me that I have to get into the car with them, it is not voluntary. It is an affront to reason to suggest so. Even if they didn't have to handcuff me, the transaction was in no way voluntary. I shamed myself well enough, I suppose, because they finally had mercy on me and let me go.

Raped

Heart, no longer beat
Bitterness, pool in my veins
Blood, you are replaced

Rage, become colder
Contempt, be universal
Madness, to the fore

Despair, be banished
Mocking me, you imply hope
Behold: a zombie