Saturday, February 13, 2010

Any real Christians (the kind with compassion)?

So I've practically been begging you guys all night long for some kind of answer, some kind of explanation or reason for my torment. I can't say that I'm exactly overwhelmed by your compassion. I had hoped for a little bit better.

I am absolutely terrified that hell is there waiting for me. I cannot love Yahweh. Why can't any of you understand that? Is it because you've never been tortured? Let me tell you, when your dad tortures you, you find out real quick that you can't love him, but you can sure fear him and beg him for mercy. All I'm asking for is a little bit of mercy. I thought that maybe you guys would talk to Yahweh about it, because I'm sick to death of begging him about it, just like I had to beg my dad. Or no, it was my mom I had to beg. Or no, I never actually begged. I just screamed my head off. That's sort of like begging. Never mind.

Or maybe one of you has some nice spin on a bible verse that might help me to get some relief from this fear.

After some silly answers, I felt compelled to post this:

So you want me to pray to Yahweh and ask him to grant me the ability to love him? You really must think I'm making this up or something. I want to barf. Don't you see that's exactly the same as begging my dad to help me love him? Oh, oh.

After some more silly answers, I felt compelled to post this:

You know, the other night I called a suicide hotline and blubbered for a while. The guy was such a doofus that I got annoyed and forgot my suicidal thoughts for a little while. If it were in a movie, it would be sort of funny. But it's not, because it's my life, and my anguish is real.

But listening to the answers you guys are coming up with, I'm having a very similar experience to that from the other night. You guys are not making your god proud.

Best answer, posted by "kl":

I'm sorry, I didn't really see your earlier questions. I'm sorry you're going through this. I do think you have to love God and attach yourself to Him in faith to be saved, but the Bible says that *faith is a gift*. That means it comes from God, it's not something you work up or drum up. If you're feeling this way, pray and ask the Lord to give you the gift and to reveal Himself to you. I think if you're praying this sincerely this isn't a prayer request He will say no to, though He may not answer it right away or in the way you're expecting.

I'm sorry you're feeling so out of sorts.

My response:

Attach myself to God. Like I could attach myself to my dad and get him to teach me to learn to love him, while he tortures and abuses me. Forget me for a second. Say I'm going to heaven. What about the others? What about my sisters whom dad tortured? Should I love him and ignore them? He's evil.


  1. From an unbiased point of view, the reason you're not getting any compassion from Christians is because you throw it back in their faces. When someone gives me advice, I try to find what is good in what they say rather than look for ways they might be wrong.

  2. What you're missing is that I've been begging them on my knees for 30 years to tell me something meaningful, and all I've ever gotten from the rich table from which they claim to be feasting is the rinds and the bones. They claim that they have a rich father who has given them a fabulous gift, but they dress and smell like homeless people.

    Further, if I saw YOU about to fling yourself into a bonfire, even a fire that would just kill you--not the eternal kind--I would do EVERYTHING I could to stop you. I would fight you even. You would have to incapacitate me in order to get into that fire. And I typically don't even like people.

    I claim that Christians are somehow defective people, because they see me headed for eternal punishment yet give up just because of a few angry words.