Sunday, February 14, 2010

I wonder whether I could become an advice columnist

Check out this scathingly brilliant piece of prose, which I posted recently to the Religion & Spirituality section of Yahoo! Answers.

What you didn't realize, in your fog of uncompassion, is that I've been here trying not to kill myself for the last three days, trying to make some sense out of my life. In your infinite mercy learned from your ugly little punk of a deity, you have failed to see that, and instead called me a troll and an idiot and a mental masturbator. I've been working out my own salvation here, with the help of many, many extremely compassionate atheists and other non-Yahwists. Your glib, hateful, petty, stupid, and not-even-wrong answers have shown me that Yahweh is morally, spiritually, and intellectually bankrupt. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

Now I'm thinking that I want to publish that somewhere. I'm really proud of it. Like a little boy who's made a great mudpie, that kind of proud. But where is there a market for scolding people? I read a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon once where Calvin wants to replace Dear Abby. One of my favorite responses is something like, "Stop whining and get a life, you big baby!" I want to take it a step further and become Christopher-Hitchens-meets-Ann-Landers.

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