Saturday, February 13, 2010

Prayer doesn't work. Help!

My dad tortured me. That's the root of it all. He tortured me and sexually molested me, but then he would say that he loved me. He wanted my love in return. I begged him for mercy sometimes. Well, ok, I admit it, I didn't ever really beg him. I just screamed my head off. That's sort of the same as begging. I hate him. I can never love him. I did fear him for a long time, and I sort of still do, although he's dead now.

Naturally, in my mind, God is the same as my dad. He is a torturer (he's omnipotent but allows people to go to hell and be tortured, so it's the same), and I can't love him. When I was younger I had Stockholm Syndrome and would willingly beg my dad for his love, and I would love him. Ok, I didn't ever really beg for his love. I just tried in every way possible to please him, even when he was telling me to do utterly immoral things. I thought that I loved him. I was sick. Still am sick, but at least I don't have Stockholm Syndrome any more.

I don't love my torturers, my dad and Yahweh. I don't think that morality requires me to love them. But when I did have Stockholm Syndrome, I begged my dad, and I also prayed to God. After years of that, and never getting any sort of relief from my fear of hell, I've given up. Now I turn to you, my "brothers" and "sisters". Please help. I've prayed to him to no avail, and now I can't pray to him because I hate him. Please pray for me, and if god gives you any GOOD answers (not like those I've seen tonight, after begging you guys for hours for even a shred of comfort), please do let me know.

Think I don't have a question? That's because you lack compassion and/or haven't bothered to read what I'm saying. The obvious question is this: isn't there some way that I could get a special dispensation from God? Can't he see that my mind is broken? That it is impossible for me to love him? Is it really too much trouble to ask that I be allowed to cease to exist when I die, rather than burning in agony for all eternity?

Best response, posted by "Free2Day":

The wisest response for this question is this:

Go to a prayer group or a home bible study group and ask them to "Lay Hands" on you and pray for your healing......

You will receive healing, your slate will be clean and you'll be able to move on with your life and have a continued relationship with GOD, The FATHER and HIS SON...

I will be praying for you.

My response:

A prayer meeting. Go to a gathering of people who worship the most immoral being I can possibly imagine? Jesus saves you guys, but he doesn't do much for your reading comprehension. Or obviously for your compassion.

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