Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Lego Mommy: John, Chapter 6

Part 6 of my "Lego Mommy" Series.
  • Verses 5 - 13: About this business of feeding thousands of people--why don't any of the gospel accounts describe what it looked like to see Jesus causing the food to regenerate miraculously as he distributed it? Why do we have to slog through the insipid account of the transfiguration three times, complete with Peter's incoherent babbling, but no one bothers to watch Jesus' amazing food-producing activity and describe what it looks like? This detail would have tended to be more convincing than Peter going on about "booths".
  • Verse 15: "Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself." This doesn't sound like something Yahweh would do. When Yahweh wants people to behave in a certain way, he puts evil thoughts into their minds, or hardens their hearts, or sends Satan to tempt them, or directly orders them to sin, or sends famine and pestilence. Jesus' behavior is nothing like this. Rather, he seems a bit of a coward when faced with crowds.
  • Verse 19: The inspired, inerrant writ of the Supreme Being reports that they had rowed "three or three and a half miles." I guess if Yahweh can get away with approximating the value of pi, it can get away with approximate distances too.
  • Verse 21: "...immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading." Why didn't the author of this gospel talk about his subjective experience of this teleportation? Why doesn't he describe how terrified these gullible cretins were upon finding themselves instantaneously transported elsewhere? Wouldn't there have been a sonic boom as their boat accelerated instantaneously to unimaginable speed? Or if it was more like a Harry Potter disapparation, wouldn't there have been some audible disturbance in the air as the boat left a vacuum behind in its old location then suddenly displaced a boat-sized chunk of air in the new location? Or if, in those days when people were aware of hours but not so aware of minutes, maybe the author just meant that the boat reached the shore a lot faster than it would have if it were powered only by mere humans. In that case, why isn't there some description of how they all had a blast, with the wind in their hair and their tongues hanging out like dogs' tongues? Again, some details about this astounding, unheard-of experience might have made the story sound less like a complete fabrication.
  • Verse 36: " have seen me and still you do not believe." It's not possible to believe something that is impenetrable. If he cared so much about saving people, why couldn't he have explained it well enough for people to understand, and clearly enough that there wouldn't today be thousands of denominations, such that even the devout adherents of every one of them interpret his bullshit differently?
  • Verse 38: "...I have come down from heaven not to do my will but...the will of him who sent me." So although Jesus and the Father are one, Jesus is not doing his own will. This isn't a trinity. It's multiple personality disorder.
  • Verse 44: "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him..." Yeah, he's said stuff like this before, along the lines that God chooses who gets to go to heaven. Why listen to it? Why obey it? Yahweh's hideous policy toward humankind is as obvious here as it is in Exodus 33:19: "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." This is a hateful god. Why would anyone worship it?
  • Verse 46: "No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God..." Well, and Moses, with whom "Yahweh would speak face to face, as a man speaks with his friend," according to Exodus 33:11. And Enoch, who "walked with God for 300 years," according to Genesis 5:22. What, God stayed invisible the whole time? Maybe so, since obviously Adam and Eve never got to see it either.
  • Verse 63: "...the flesh counts for nothing." But didn't he just say, in Verse 54, that by eating his flesh (ick!) one has eternal life? I'm almost certain that Jesus was either on drugs or just stupid.
  • Verses 64 - 70: "...there are some of you who do not believe. This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him." Seems like Jesus is taunting his followers: there are some of you who don't believe, and it's because God has not enabled you to do so, therefore, you're a devil. Sick.

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