I...Am Your Father! Luke Chapter 17

Part 8 of my "I...Am Your Father!" series.

• Verse 1: "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come." Who is he talking about here? Let me guess: All those guys who contributed to the invention of the combustion engine? Gay rights activists? Adam Smith and others who contributed to the spread of capitalism? Socialists? Hugh Hefner? Robert Pittman? Oh, I know, Moses, who allowed for divorce due to the hardness of the Jews' hearts! What does it mean to be a person through whom come things that cause people to sin? And what kind of woe is he talking about? I've just about completely shed my old notions that there was even a tenuous connection between Jesus' Christianity and Paul's Christianity--Jesus taught myriad ways to get into heaven, so I assume that here Jesus is pointing out one of the myriad ways of going to hell.
• Verse 2: "It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea...than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin." Hmm, "little ones"? I've heard vague noises at times about how Jesus is referring to children. But I don't see how anyone can reach that conclusion. What little ones is he talking about? His followers? Was Jesus really tall, or maybe was he some kind of Jesunator? Oh yeah, I can just hear him saying, "I'll be back." In Aramaic, of course.
• Verse 10: "...when you have done everything you were told to do, [you] should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" Jesus should have taken some motivational speaking classes before going on the road with this "good news". God loves us so much, wanting nothing more than for all of us to be saved so we can be with him in his infinite love for eternity. Even Jesus wishes to take (at least some of) us under his wing. Yet in spite of all this love gushing out everywhere, he commands us to grovel. As I said in my last clip, that's a repulsive god.
• Verse 17: "Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" As I've said numerous times before: he is a racist. The fact that Jesus healed the Samaritan along with the other lepers is beside the point. He uses the man's race in order to highlight the ingratitude of the other men. If you can't see it, try using something other than the man's race and imagine Jesus saying, "Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this really ugly dude?" He's clearly saying that he would expect more from Jews than from Samaritans.
• Verse 21: "...the kingdom of God is within you." I can't even think of what to say about the phrase "the kingdom of God." What does that even mean? And it's within us? (Note that my NIV footnote says that the word could be translated as among rather than within.) But back in Luke 10:9, he instructs his disciples to go out and preach, "The kingdom of God is near you." Which is it? Also, note that Luke 10:1 says that it was 72 missionaries, but has a footnote saying that some manuscripts (among those many thousands that ostensibly prove that we have an accurate account of Jesus' ministry) say 70 missionaries. Not to mention that in Matthew 10:1 Jesus sends out only 12 missionaries.
• Verses 26 - 27: "Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man...the flood came and destroyed them all," including all those wicked children, every last one of whom was a detestable, baby-sacrificing sex addict.
• Verses 28 - 29: "It was the same in the days of Lot...fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all," including all of those wicked children, every last one of whom would have grown up to be Adolph Hitler times ten.
• Verse 33: "...whoever loses his life will preserve it." He was a Muslim, I'm telling you.
• Verse 37: The disciples ask Jesus where all of these horrible things will happen. Weren't they listening just a few seconds ago when he said that people will not say, "Here it is," or "There is is," that no one should heed anyone saying things like, "There he is," or "Here he is"? Surely after all the times he's scolded them for their stupidity and lack of faith, he really lets them have it this time, right? No. He simply replies, "Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather." This guy is a champion of bizarre and inconsistent metaphors. Didn't he just say that he will be like lightning, lighting up the sky from one end to the other?