Monday, July 5, 2010

I...Am Your Father! Luke Chapters 12 and 14

Part 6 of my "I...Am Your Father!" series.

Chapter 12
  • Verse 33: "Sell your possessions and give to the poor." Socialism alert! How many of you Paulines have done this?
  • Verse 46: "The master of that servant...will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers." Hadn't Jesus ever heard of letting the punishment fit the crime? And if this servant was such a bad seed, why did the master give him that responsibility in the first place?
  • Verse 56: "You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky. How is it that you don't know how to interpret this present time?" This is an idiotic question. They knew how to interpret the appearance of the earth and sky by long experience and thousands of years of accumulated wisdom. How the hell could they have known how to interpret Jesus' presence in any kind of context, given that this was the first time he had presented himself?
Chapter 14
  • Verses 8 - 10: Jesus gives some instructions for how to behave at a wedding party. I've never seen anyone behave this way. I'd be embarrassed for anyone who did such a thing; it would seem pretentious. Why don't so-called Christians do this? Because you're not Christians.
  • Verses 12 - 13: More party etiquette: don't invite friends, brothers, relatives, or rich neighbors. Instead, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. One might argue that Jesus was addressing this command only to his host, as indicated at the beginning of Verse 12, but many of Jesus' other pronouncements addressed to specific people are taken by modern Paulines as applying to everyone. Not to mention that he explicitly addressed only a few thousand people at the most, and two millennia ago. If it's ok to ignore Jesus' commands addressed to his host, then why must one follow Jesus' commands addressed to a bunch of superstitious bigots 20 centuries ago?
  • Verses 16 - 24: A man invites many guests to his banquet and then throws a hissy fit when the invitees decline his offer. Jeez, dude, get over yourself already. I can just see him stamping his feet like a snot-nosed brat of a child, saying "...not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet." What a prima donna. I also have to point out here that this Barbie doll apparently invited only men to the banquet. Because women don't count, right? They're just servants who support itinerant magicians from their own funds.
  • Verse 26: This is a repeat of a verse from Matthew, but this time it's super-charged: Jesus says, in no uncertain terms, that one cannot be a disciple of Jesus unless one hates father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and oneself. I've heard Christians (I mean Paulines) claim that Jesus didn't really mean that you have to hate all of these people, but that you must love him more than you love them. That is not what Jesus says, according to Luke. How can we possibly know which verses to take at face value and which to interpret as metaphor and hyperbole? We can't. A loving god would not leave its creations in such darkness. And don't claim that we're supposed to pray about it. Ask six people to pray to God for guidance and you'll get seven answers.
  • Verses 28 - 33: Yeah, Yahweh-Jesus should really lay off the metaphors. He uses two examples to demonstrate that one should plan ahead and make sure that one can afford the cost of an endeavor. Then he says, "In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." What? I'm sure that some Christians (I mean Paulines) will want to say that he meant something like, "Before you commit yourself to Jesus, be sure you understand what you're getting yourself into, because it won't go well for you if you commit but are not ready." If that's what he meant, then why couldn't he say it? Why did he have to say it in a way that makes him look stupid?

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