Don't Acts, Don't Tell, Part II: Acts, Chapters 2 - 4

Part II of my "Don't Acts, Don't Tell" Series

Chapter 2

• Verses 1 - 12: Upon being filled with the Holy Spirit, they -- whoever they were; presumably the 12 apostles -- began to speak in other languages. Specifically, they spoke such that visitors from all over the Mediterranean area were able to understand the speakers, each hearing them speaking in his own language. I've been to churches where people "speak in tongues". I've heard many people do it. To my lasting shame, I've done it myself. I've never heard anyone speaking in a language that was intelligible to any other human. I've never heard anyone speaking in a language that they didn't already know. If Christians were actually able to speak in tongues as did the apostles according to this passage, Christianity would be considerably more credible.
• Verse 14: Peter "stood up with the Eleven"? Weren't they twelve by this time, after their occult ritual of casting lots and so choosing Matthias to replace Judas?
• Verse 22: Peter says, "Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you." A man. Not God. Peter also says that God did miracles among the Jews through Jesus. Not God.
• Verse 33: Peter says, "Exalted to the right hand of God, [Jesus] has received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit." Let's simplify this a bit: Exalted to the right hand of himself, God has received from himself his promised self. Not God.
• Verse 36: Peter says, "God has made this Jesus...both Lord and Christ." If Jesus were Yahweh itself, then Yahweh would not have made Jesus Lord and Christ. Jesus would already have been Lord and Christ; see also John's claim "the Word was God," which Christians interpret to mean that Jesus is Yahweh. How can Christians cling to the doctrine of the Trinity with this stuff staring them in the face?
• Verse 44 - 45: All the believers "had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need." Someone give me the address of Tea Party headquarters, and all the organizations that oppose the new health care laws in the U.S., and everyone who's whining about President Obama being a socialist, so I can send them a bible. It's obvious that none of them has ever read it.
• Verse 47: All the believers enjoyed "the favor of all the people"? They must have been a damn sight more pleasant than the average modern Christian. I find most of you unbearable.

Chapter 3

• Verse 13: God "has glorified his servant Jesus." Not God.
• Verse 15: "You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead." Why not, "...he raised himself from the dead, being God and all"?

Chapter 4

• Verse 22: "For the man who was miraculously healed was over 40 years old." Is this what Jesus was talking about back in John 14:12, when he said that anyone who has faith in him will do even greater things than what Jesus had done? Cos Jesus healed a woman who had been sick for 12 years, and another guy who had been paralyzed for 38 years. So Peter outdid him by two full years. That's miraculous.
• Verses 24 - 30: I forgot to mention this problem when I read Acts 1:24 - 25, but here's my chance now. A really long prayer by the brothers, not even close to the way Jesus had instructed everyone to pray back in Matthew 6:9 - 13. Looks like abrogation to me.
• Verse 28: "They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen." This is in line with Jesus' comments about sparrows falling out of trees. But if this is true, then how can Yahweh blame anyone for anything?
• Verses 32 - 34: Teabaggers, you and others of your ilk should take note: "No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had...There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need." President Obama the Socialist / Communist is just trying to enact the will of your god.