Thursday, July 22, 2010

Don't Acts, Don't Tell, Part IV: Acts, Chapters 5 - 7

Part IV of my "Don't Acts, Don't Tell" Series.

The end of Chapter 5
  • Verse 13: "No one else dared join them..." They're being good Jesusianismists here and following their lord's lead of exclusionary elitism.
  • Verse 16: People brought "their sick and those tormented by evil spirits..." Damn, I was hoping that they'd gotten past this bullshit about evil spirits by now. I guess it will take quite a few more centuries before humans discover what Jesus could have told us: there is no such thing as evil spirits.
  • Verse 20: An angel of the Lord frees the apostles from jail; I suppose the Lord himself couldn't come; perhaps he was experiencing PRSD: post-resurrection stress disorder. The angel instructs them to "tell the people the full message of this new life, and forget not to tell them that if they hold back any of the proceeds from real estate sales, they will be summarily executed without a trial."Just kidding. The angel apparently thought it best that everyone continue to be "seized with fear", not knowing what infractions might lead to their deaths.
  • Verse 26: The captain and some officers of the temple guards bring the apostles before the Sanhedrin, but they refrain from using force. Why? Because they were afraid of this amazing power being displayed by the apostles? No, because they were afraid of being stoned. Hmm, there's something odd here.
  • Verse 32: God has given the Holy Spirit to those who obey him. Jesusianismists, today's blog is brought to you by the word divorce.
  • Verse 42: Creationists, this one's for you: "...they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news..." Meaning that they didn't eat, sleep, or shit. Right?
Chapter 6
  • Verse 1: The Grecian Jews complained against the Hebraic Jews about unequal treatment of the Grecian widows. Carrying on the Jesusianismist tradition of racism very well; Jesus would be proud. Also, is this where Jesusian capitalists get permission to abrogate all of the earlier injunctions and examples to practice socialism / communism?
  • Verse 2: The Eleven apostles chosen by Jesus and the twelfth apostle chosen by a satanic ritual get together and abrogate the example set by Jesus in John 13:4 - 12, that of servitude. They decide that they shouldn't "wait on tables."
  • Verse 7: Among those chosen to "wait on tables," all of whom were "known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom," was "Nicolas from Antioch, a convert to Judaism." Not a convert to Jesusianism, or "The Way," as it seems to have been called. How is it that he can be full of the Spirit without being a Jesusianismist? Or perhaps Luke is here implying that one must first convert to Judaism before one can convert to Jesusianism?
Chapter 7
  • Verse 2: I'm sure it's churlish of me, but why not: Stephen says, "The God of glory appeared to our father Abraham". The god of glory. Not the god of everything. See, Jews were definitely still polytheists in those days.
  • Verses 2 - 50: Stephen makes a preposterously long speech, recounting the early history of the Jews from Abraham through Solomon. I have a really hard time believing that the chief priest and the Sanhedrin would let him go on so long concerning a subject with which they were intimately familiar. No wonder they ended up stoning him: he was really, really annoying. And in that culture, annoying people was the same as persecuting them, right?
  • Verse 56: Stephen sees Jesus standing at the right hand of God. He elaborates on his vision wonderfully, uttering this rich, beautiful, timeless prose: "I see Jesus standing at the right hand of God." Deep, deep stuff. Also, if Jesus is Yahweh, then how can Stephen see Jesus standing at God's right hand? Wouldn't he see just one person?

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