Lego Mommy: John, Chapter 5

Part 5 of my "Lego Mommy" Series.

• Verses 3 - 9: The dreaded footnote again: some less important manuscripts (but no less inspired and inerrant, right?) mention that "From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease he had." Jesus taunts a man who had been an invalid for 38 years and had never been able to be healed because someone always got into the pool before he could make it. Because Yahweh is so full of mercy, he went ahead and healed this man, after letting him suffer for 38 years. I'm so moved. I think I'll convert to Jesusianism.
  
• Verses 8 - 14: Jesus commands the invalid, in no uncertain terms, to sin: "Pick up your mat and walk!" As it was the Sabbath, the Law of the Most High forbade the man to carry his mat. Just like all the modern Jesusianismists who fear that God's wrath on us is due to the fact that we allow homosexuals to live, "the Jews" criticize the man for sinning, for fear that as always, Israel would be punished by Yahweh for such minor infractions. The man defends himself by pointing out that a guy with magical powers commanded him to sin. Also note that said magical powers apparently imply the authority to countermand the direct order of the Supreme Being, although since we don't know the rules of the supernatural realm, this belief is completely baseless. Finally, Jesus sees the man at the temple, and has apparently changed his mind: he tells the man to stop sinning now. So much for being ever unchanging.
• Verse 16: "The Jews" persecuted Jesus. Now I know why so many Jesusianismists seem like such pussies. The author of this Gospel has given them permission to substitute the word "persecute" for the words "criticize" and "scrutinize".
• Verse 18: "...he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God." According to which rulebook? Who says that considering God one's father is tantamount to claiming to be God? Jesusianists, when you pray to your heavenly father, are you claiming to be God?
• Verses 19 - 23: Lots of chances to say explicitly that he's Yahweh, all passed by.
• Verse 24: "...whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned." Except those who have done evil. And all those Jesusianismist serial monogamists who just want to keep on sinning. And those who refuse to forgive. And those who deny / blaspheme the Holy Spirit (many, many Jesusianismists spend their lives terrified that they have accidentally blasphemed the Holy Spirit--such a merciful God). And those who say, "You fool!" (an awful lot of Jesusianismists are in big trouble, calling us atheists "fool" all the time). And those who don't cut off their sinful hands and gouge out their sinful eyes. And those who judge. And those who don't find the "small gate" and the "narrow road" that "leads to life". Jesus' plan of salvation reads like tax law.
• Verse 30: "By myself I can do nothing..." Why would God say this?
• Verse 31: "If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid." Why would God say this?
• Verse 36: "...the...work...which I am doing testifies that the Father has sent me." If his testimony about himself is not valid, then how can his claim be true that the work he is doing counts as valid testimony? We really need a better book on how the supernatural realm works. This one makes no sense.
• Verse 37: "You have never heard [the Father's] voice nor seen his form..." The people to whom he was speaking surely saw him and heard him speaking. So he's not God.
• Verse 47: Jesus accuses "the Jews" of not believing the word of Moses. If they didn't believe the word of Moses, then why did they try so hard to adhere to it down to the letter? It wasn't because they were evil, or lazy, or ignorant. It's because their god is evil, lazy, and ignorant.