Lego Mommy: John, Chapter 4

Part 4 of my "Lego Mommy" Series.

• Verse 17: Jesus the prude gives a hard time to a woman who has been married five times and is now shacking up. Jesusianismists, take note. Your boy doesn't approve of serial monogamy. I wonder why Jesus never had any such conversations with pedophiliac men, or child abusers, or slave owners. Priorities, dude, priorities.
• Verse 22: "You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews." Strange for him to show such solidarity with his "brood of vipers." And "...salvation is from the Jews"? Tell that to the Amalekites.
• Verses 25 - 26: Jesus is a liar. The woman says that when the Messiah comes, "he will explain everything to us." Jesus claims to be that person. He didn't explain shit.
• Verse 39: "Many of the Samaritans...believed in [Jesus] because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.'" Is this really all Yahweh wants from us? To believe in a guy who inexplicably (and rather creepily, if you ask me) knows a little bit about our sex lives?
• Verses 41 - 42 and 45: "And because of his words many more became believers. They said to the woman, '[No longer is it due to what you said that we believe;] now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.'" "...the Galileans welcomed him [because] they had seen all that he had done in Jerusalem..." Damn, shades of 3:32 -- why didn't the author of this Gospel tell us some of the amazing things said and done by Jesus that resulted in this mass conversion to Jesusianism? Surely the Galileans' reason for converting wasn't Jesus' premeditated, vicious attack on the people in the temple who were disobeying him by providing for their children?
• Verses 46 - 48: A royal official begs Jesus to heal his son, "who was close to death." Mr. Jesus H. Christ, President and CEO of the Compassion Society, responds, "Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders, you will never believe." The royal official, desperately hoping to keep his son alive, begs some more. As I have no dying child to worry about, I feel free to provide a more appropriate response to Jesus on behalf of the royal official: fuck you, you fucking prick!
• Verse 54: "This was the second miraculous sign that Jesus performed" in Galilee? His only other activities in Galilee up to this point have been to convert water into wine and to savagely attack a bunch of law-abiding citizens (not to mention unnumbered innocent sheep and cattle) with a homemade whip? These two pittances converted the Galileans? What a pack of fools.