I...Am Your Father! Luke Chapter 6

Part 2 of my "I...Am Your Father!" series.

• Verse 12: Jesus spent the night praying to God. You mean, talking to himself, right?
• Verse 14: And why weren't any of the 12 apostles women? Is it simply because Jesus was gay, or is it because he was a gay chauvinist?
• Verses 24 - 26: Woe to the rich, the well fed, those who laugh, and the popular. Wow, Western Christians, you guys are in such big trouble.
• Verse 35: Lend to your enemies without expecting to get anything back. Wow, I'm convinced that Jesus was a socialist, or maybe even a communist. Why is it that so many Christians are up in arms about the new health care laws? Shouldn't they be celebrating the fact that they're lending money to the government to help poor people, and expecting nothing in return? You guys aren't really Christians, admit it. You're Paulines. You don't listen to half of what Jesus told you to do.
• Verse 35 again: God is "kind to the ungrateful and wicked?" Wow, eternal torment in hell is an act of kindness. Who knew?
• Verses 37 - 38: Jesus plan for salvation: "Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven...with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." That's not what Paul says. Jesus is telling me that all I have to to is forgive everyone, be generous, and refrain from condemning people, and I'll be forgiven and richly rewarded. I could almost like this guy if he weren't such an idiot. He's certainly not the person most Christians (I mean Paulines) seem to think.
• Verse 43: "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit...People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers." Hear that, Yahwists? A good tree can't bear bad fruit. I think it's safe to extend the principle to supernatural beings. How can a good god commit evil actions, like the murder of countless children as gleefully described in the Old Testament? And what about Jesus' obvious stupidity, racism, sexism, etc.? Aren't you Yahwists attempting to get figs and grapes from thornbushes and briers?
• Verse 45: "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart." If that's true, then how is it that I, an unregenerate, sinful heathen, am able to be generous and caring, not only to my daughter, but to (almost) everyone regardless of their skin color or their sexual orientation? Are these not good things?