Friday, July 2, 2010

Al-Qaeda's new online magazine is a threat to our way of life

Al-Qaeda recently began publishing a new online magazine, Inspire. This new propaganda and recruiting tool is a threat to our righteous, Christian, American way of life. We need to get the word out so no one will be sucked into the evil, vicious, non-Christian, non-American, and--worst of all--foreign, terrorist philosophy of Al-Qaeda.

Make no mistake about it, this new magazine is a no-holds-barred recruiting tool. These desperadoes want us Christians to give up our manly faith and become pussies like them. Just take a look at some of the content of the June issue of Inspire: right across the top of the front page they spew their vicious propaganda: "Craft - Decorating - Antiques"! The shame. The horror. These guys think they can draw us in with their pictures of pretty teapots and antique pianos. They think that they can tempt us to try crochet and macrame, just by luring us in with their pansy-ass Austrailian spellings of words like "learnt" and "favourite". The Internet is ours, you wimps; it belongs to America, not jolly old England or its prison colony. You're trying to turn us into lacy-drawers, but it will never work, you evil foreigners.

This magazine is a non-stop affront to Christian decency. Almost at the beginning, on page 4, they start in with their silly ideas about wrapping gifts with recycled fabrics!?!? You pansies, this is America! We don't recycle. Jesus will be back so soon that there's no point in saving the world. What are you guys trying to do? Corrupt our youth, that's what. But we're way too smart for you.

This raggedy excuse for a magazine just gets worse and worse as you go along. Right at the top of page 5 they try to tempt us into becoming sissies by going on about paper-crafting. Bonnie Rose Kempenich is their "paper-crafts editor", which is really just a code word for "minion of Satan". I hope Ms. K. is enjoying her insidious subliminal messages about how "Art Saves," because she will burn in hell for eternity soon enough.

On page 9 is a recipe for making scones. Revolting. Everyone knows that that is women's work. How dare they try to make us into a nation of faggoty-ass scone makers. You guys know what you can do with your scones. Oh, wait, you're all a bunch of closet homos, aren't you, so you're probably already doing that with your delicious, pernicious scones. You guys are gross.

I urge all decent, manly Christians to boycott every company that advertises in this magazine. I'm fairly certain, because I have confidence in America, and especially American men, that none of us ever give our custom to any of these advertisers, but Al-Qaeda is a sneaky organization, trying to tempt us into their abominable, knit-and-purl ways, so I just want to bring these to your attention so you don't innocently walk into a store and come out brainwashed and making scrapbooks:
  • Wrap Cycle: the aforementioned sons of perdition who make things from recycled fabrics.
  • The makers of Original Diamond and Precious Jewellry (sic) Cleaner. Guess what country this hell-bound company is in: not America, that's what country!
  • Cozy Tea Treasures: you'll never guess what these powder puffs are foisting off on innocent Christians.
  • Rowan Designs: there will be a special place in hell for these people, who make twinkie little pouches to hold teabags so they won't get crushed in the bottom of your purse! The shame! Jesus will kill you crybabies.
  • Taylored Expressions: makers of tea-themed rubber stamps!
  • Inspired by Cupcakes: "cupcakes" is right! These people give tea parties "designed especially for girls!" Well, guess what? This is America! Girls can have their own parties, and you can't make us manly Christians go! So there!
My fellow Christians, this is a call to arms. We must not let these panty-waist terrorists infiltrate our lives and turn our virile, hairy, sweaty, Jesus-loving men into a herd of old ladies. America, it's time to fight!

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