Monday, July 12, 2010

Lego Mommy: John, Chapter 3

Part 3 of my "Lego Mommy" Series.
  • Verse 2: Nicodemus says to Jesus, " one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him." Notice that Jesus has no comment--given his constant scolding of people for their lack of understanding and lack of faith, one might expect him to stop Nicodemus here and say something like, "Hey, dumb-ass, instead of 'if God were not with him,' you should say, 'if he were not God.'"
  • Verse 4: Comedy break: Nicodemus inspires the joke about how a man spends nine months trying to get out of the womb and the rest of his life trying to get back in. Thanks, I'm here all week.
  • Verse 8: "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." To his shepherding FAIL, farming FAIL, metaphor FAIL, and hygiene FAIL, he has added meteorology FAIL. He is showing his ignorance of wind here, practically shouting that he is not omniscient. If Jesus had known even a little about the wind, he would not have made such naive statements about it. Further, what is this metaphor he's stumbling over here? Everyone born of the Spirit blows wherever he/she pleases? What does it mean? You cannot tell where someone born of the Spirit has come from, or where he/she is going? I can't seem to be awestruck by this drivel.
  • Verse 10: "You are Israel's teacher, and do you not understand these things?" How compassionate. How kind. If Jesus were omniscient, he would already have known that Nicodemus didn't understand. In fact, he could have spoken in simpler terms and gently explained it to Nicodemus, rather than spewing out nonsense about the wind. What can possibly be accomplished by scolding him like this? A guilt trip, and nothing more.
  • Verse 11: "...we speak of what we know...but still you people do not accept our testimony." Dude, you speak of all kinds of things about which you know nothing, and you fail to speak of all kinds of things about which you would know if you knew anything. Why would I accept anything you have to say?
  • Verse 13: "No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven--the Son of Man." Where to start with this one, oh, Jeez. The Son of Man (which Christians seem to agree means Jesus himself) "came from heaven"? Not according to Matthew and Luke. They agree that he came from Mary. If anyone...uhh..came from heaven, it was Parakletos the violator of teenage girls, know what I mean? Worse (well, there aren't many things worse than an omnipotent being raping a young woman), the footnote in my NIV bible says, that some manuscripts say, "...the Son of Man, who is in heaven." Meaning that Jesus never said these words but they were added later by well-meaning but unauthorized Jesusianismists after his "resurrection" and "ascension". And "No one has ever gone into heaven?" Genesis 5:24 says, "Enoch...was no more, because God took him away." Where'd God take Enoch, if not into heaven? Jesus adds scripture FAIL here, by forgetting II Kings 2:11, "...Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind." Unless perhaps Elijah is the Son of Man, which would require a few changes to Jesusianismist doctrine. And if Moses and Elijah like to drop in occasionally to chew the fat with Mr. Opt-doofus Prime, where do they go when they're tired, if not into Heaven?
  • Verse 16 - 18: The famous John 3:16: The words "God" and "Son" are paired three times in these three verses. Nowhere does Jesus say anything like, "By the way, the Son, meaning myself, is God."
  • Verse 18 : "...whoever does not believe stands condemned already..." On a related note,Verse 5: " one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit." So I guess there will be a lot of babies in hell. Unless this version of Jesus is talking only about men, and a man causes his entire household to be saved when he alone believes?
  • Verse 20: "Everyone who does evil...will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed." Clairvoyance FAIL. Ever heard of a gay pride parade?
  • Verse 29: "The bride belongs to the bridegroom..." Sexual equality FAIL.
  • Verse 30: "[Jesus] must become greater; [John the Baptist] must become less." Sorry John, Jesus has (or will soon have) declared that you are the greatest ever born of women. You're stuck. Are you sure that you're not the Christ?
  • Verse 32: "He testifies to what he has seen and heard..." This is the second claim that Jesus testifies to what he has seen. The author of this Gospel must have forgotten all the things that Jesus had testified about earlier. So far Jesus hasn't testified to anything, unless you want to count the mumbo-jumbo and scolding that he unloaded on poor Nicodemus.
  • Verse 34: "...the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God." Notice that he didn't say anything like, "is God."
  • Verse 35: "The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands." A disregarded opportunity to say something like, "The Father is the Son."

No comments:

Post a Comment