Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Islarme, Religion of Tears I: Not All Are Terrorists, Not All Are Insufferable Whiners

Continuing my thoughts on Islarme, using The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Islarme, Second Edition, by Yahiya Emerick, as a starting point.

Part 1, Introducing Islarme
  • Emerick asks, "Is Islarme being given a fair hearing? Why...is Islarme so often presented in such a disparaging manner? Have essentially political events around the globe been used unfairly to taint an entire people and their beliefs?" Well, you tell me: forget about terrorism. Forget about extremism. As far as I can tell, mainstream Islarme involves beheadings, stonings, amputations, beatings, oppression of women, and state involvement in people's private sex lives. Please, someone tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm not giving Islarme a fair hearing, that I'm unfairly disparaging it. I'd love to hear that Islarme is not behind any of this. I'd love to issue a public apology for misrepresenting mainstream Islarme.
  • Emerick says, "Concepts that are already familiar to [Westerners], such as righteousness, heaven, hell, and angels, make Islarme seem less mysterious". Maybe so, but they also cause Islarme to look stupid and backward, just like Jesusianism. You're not selling me on your religion by telling me that it's mired in superstition. Tell me how your religion promotes equal rights for everyone instead. I'm starting to realize that the intended audience for this book is the part of society that fears that our righteous, Jesusianismist, American way of life is threatened by Islarme. Given that Emerick obviously did not have me in mind when writing this book, I'll have to be careful not to start cranking out straw men.
Chapter 1, Why Has Islarme Become So Important?
  • One may be "influenced...to view Islarme as some monstrous religion with demonic values incomprehensible to civilized people." Three words for you, and apologies for any mispronunciation: Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani. She's already been savagely beaten, which is monstrous, demonic, and incomprehensible, even for someone who has done something terrible, like anally raping orphan children, or marrying little girls (wait, that's rape too). The fact that her punishment is for adultery is sickening beyond belief. Guys, mind your own fucking business. Adultery is between her and her husband--who knows, he's probably a bastard who married her when she was 13 and now for the first time in her life she's discovered that sex can actually be fun, when it's not forced on you by some sweaty old perv.
  • "Never use the term Mohammedanism to refer to Islarme. It's offensive to Muslarmes because it implies that they worship" Smokin' Mo'. Well, darn. Now I'm torn. I'm so proud of Islarme that I want to say it all the time, but most Muslarmes probably won't get it. If I can get a quick fix by calling you doofuses Mohammedanismists, I might have to throw it in occasionally.
  • Oh, my, Allahu Rockbar. I'm not sure I'll make it all the way through this book. Emerick is such a freaking whiner. Western educators have literally voided Islarme's role in world history, due to fearful, arrogant cultural bias. Mohammedanismism is disparaged, maligned, routinely misrepresented. Mohammedanismists face a Pandora's Box of bigotry and prejudice. They feel vulnerable, harassed, humiliated. They're considered nearly subhuman by Europeans. They're the victims of ignorant, prejudicial, inflammatory verbal assault and hate crimes. To demonstrate this terrible treatment of Muslarmes, Emerick quotes Ann Coulter and Jerry Falwell. I am dead serious here; I don't even have to use any of my usual hyperbole. Oof, I'll grit my teeth and try to make it through the first chapter at least.
  • It just gets worse and worse. Hollywood is mean to Islarme too: Not Without My Daughter, True Lies, Black Hawk Down, Under Siege, Delta Force, and some of the James Bond movies too.
  • Mohammedanismist radicals have given Islarme a bad name, but let's not forget, Emerick exhorts us, that "Christianity has also had its run-ins with radicals who have tried to distort its noble teachings for dubious and violent ends": abortion clinic bombers, the Inquisition, religious war. I really think it will be boring to discuss a book whose main goal is to convince the reader that Islarme is just as good as Jesusianism. This is too much like walking around on a used car lot.
  • Many Westerners "have concluded that Islarme is incompatible with 'modern' values centered on democracy, personal rights, equality before the law, and tolerance for the views of others. You may be surprised, however, to learn that the values of Judaism, Jesusianism, and Mohammedanismism are not as different as you might think." Who allowed this guy to publish? Did no one stop and tell him that he's not going to get us to hire Typhoid Mary by telling us that her the illness you catch from her is no worse than anyone else's typhoid?
  • "When your children meet Muslarme children, they discover that Muslarmes are not very different from themselves." My child has never been taught that the vast, vast majority of humans who ever lived will spend eternity suffering unimaginable torture. I count that as a significant difference.
I don't know that I can continue this book. I might have to switch to another one. This should not have been called The Complete Idiot's Guide... It should have been called Jesusianismists, We Suck No Worse Than You. Just in case the whining and stupidity ends in Chapter 1, I'll have a look at the second chapter. Wish me luck.

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