Pseudepigrapha Psalad Psurgery VI: First Peter

The elephant in the room, which I've never heard anyone mention, is the fact that although Jesus himself said explicitly that Peter was the rock on which the church would be built, none of Peter's writings were accepted into the canon, only these two tiny missives feebly claiming to have been written by him. Worse, Paul, the so-called Apostle to the Gentiles, who suspiciously never got around to giving us any of the details of his miraculous conversion experience, and who openly opposed Peter the Jesus-appointed Rock, sets the vast majority of Jesusianismist doctrine.

Chapter 1

• Verse 8: "Though you have not seen him, you love him". Because Jesusianism is so ingrained in our collective consciousness, we usually don't stop to think about how strange this is. Parents are forever telling their moonstruck teenagers that it's not possible to love someone whom you don't know. Further on in the same verse, believers "are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy". But again, parents know that those intense feelings between amorous youngsters are not really love. Why this double standard? We know better than to believe our children's claims of undying love for each other, and we understand that their strong emotions have no profound meaning, but we accept without question the claims of otherwise rational people who profess love for a person whom they've never even seen and about whom they know almost nothing, and who use as evidence of the truth of their claim their intense personal experience.
• Verse 18: "...the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers..." In your face, Yahweh!

Chapter 2

• Verse 7: "The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone." Now here is a prophetic statement in the truest sense: it can be interpreted to mean almost anything, and yet no matter how one interprets it, it has at least a faint ring of truth about it. I interpret it thus: the rejected stone that is now the capstone is human reason. Throughout human history, until just a few centuries ago, people have either been completely unaware of the power of human thought, or, in the case of Jesusianism over the last thousand years or so, have actively suppressed human thought in favor of paralyzing superstition. Score one point for the bible.
• Verse 12: "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they may accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." Wow, make that two points. Too bad Jesusianismists don't read their bibles more often. If you guys did anything like this you'd get far less harassment. I think that the problem must go back to Matthew 5:11, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Jesus really put his foot in it here, not foreseeing that his followers would think that being persecuted would be a sign that they were living up to his standards. He was so pugnacious, and held so firmly to his us-and-them mentality, that he never could set a good example. Neither he nor his followers have ever seen that they're being persecuted because they're a pox, not because they're meek, merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers, or even because they go around preaching nonsense about salvation. See also Verse 20, "...how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it?" And Chapter 3, Verse 13, "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?" And 3:17, "It is better...to suffer for doing good than for evil." And 4:14, "If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed". But you're insulted because you're a boil on the ass of society, not because of the name of Christ.
• Verse 18: "Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters...[even] to those who are harsh." A lot of Jesusianismists try to claim that slavery in Peter's day was not nearly as brutal as slavery in the U.S. a couple of centuries ago. I don't think it's safe for them to claim that no slaves were ever treated abominably during all those centuries while Yahweh, Jesus, Paul, and Peter were out there endorsing slavery. And now that I think of it, what modern Jesusianismists are really saying, perhaps without realizing it, is that at least some types of slavery are ok. One Jesusianismist told me just yesterday that Onesimus, the slave in Paul's epistle to Philemon, must have been the kind of slave who had sold himself into slavery, because if he had been the victim of trafficking, Paul would have condemned the owner. So Paul very clearly endorsed the kind of slavery where people sell themselves. Again, I say, slavery is wrong. All slavery. That makes me more moral than Yahweh and pals.
• Verses 21 - 22: "...you should follow in [Christ's] steps...no deceit was found in his mouth." YouTubers NephilimFree and TruthfulChristian, I conclude that you guys are ignorant and wrongheaded, but at least not mendacious. ShockOfGod, ThickShades, JesusLovesRoger, and especially the snake-oil front ppsimmons, are your ears burning yet?

Chapter 3

• Verse 6: Follow the holy and righteous example of "Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master." Oh, you mean like in Genesis 12:10-19, where Abraham told Sarah, his wife, to go fuck Pharaoh? Context, people.
• Verse 7: Husbands, treat your wives "as the weaker partner". No Jesusianismist can also call him- or herself a feminist. Also, deutero-Peter continues, "so that nothing will hinder your prayers." So if you treat your wife as an equal, your prayers are hindered.
• Verse 9: "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult". Who obeys this command?
• Verse 15: "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." ShockOfGod, with your silly trick that works only on the ignorant, challenging us to prove that atheismism is accurate and correct, this verse is for you. Peter (or whoever) never says, "Always be prepared to challenge an opposing viewpoint and play dishonest games to cause the ignorant to think that you've given the reason for the hope that you have."

Chapter 4

• Verse 3: Another list of terrible sins: "debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing, and detestable idolatry." The bible makes very clear the twisted, lopsided, backward, inside-out priorities of Jesusianism and its god.
• Verse 5: Pagans "will have to give account to him who is ready to judge". What happened to I Corinthians 13:5, where love "keeps no record of wrongs"?

Chapter 5

• Verse 5: A quote from Proverbs 3:34, which he must be getting from the mistranslated Septuagint. The actual verse in Proverbs is, "[It] mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble." I hear Jesusianismists tossing around the words "proud" and "arrogant" quite often in reference to those of us who are not slaves to superstition. I think you guys have it all wrong. It is not out of pride and arrogance that we oppose you. It is out of a deep respect for human beings in general, and a deep respect for the truth. Humility doesn't even seem like a virtue to me. I'd much rather people just have an accurate estimate of their worth and importance, rather than an artificially modest or low estimate of it.