Pseudepigrapha Psalad Psurgery III: Second Thessalonians

Chapter 1

• Verse 6: God will pay back trouble to those who trouble you. So much for I Corinthians 13:5: Love "keeps no record of wrongs".
• Verse 7: Jesus is coming with powerful angels? Why would the Supreme Being in all its omnipotence need to bring a posse of angels with it? Why would it even need to come to earth? Why not just speak its judgment on us all, Genesis style?
• Verse 8: Jesus will punish those who do not know God. I've heard a lot of Jesusianismists claim that those children who starved to death in Africa will somehow get a chance to hear the gospel, so they can choose whether to follow the demonic Yahweh. This verse puts the lie to that claim.

Chapter 2

• Verse 3: "The day of the Lord," which apparently means the day when Jesus comes back to punish all of us fornicators, will not come "until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed". What the hell? Verses like this one, along that business about "rulers and authorities" and the "kingdom of the air" back in Ephesians, have the distinct ring of the occult about them. When I read this stuff, I get the impression that there were all kinds of crazy notions floating around back then. What am I saying? There are still all kinds of crazy notions even now, among people who should know better.
• Verse 8: Jesus will overthrow the lawless one with the breath of his mouth. I guess that makes sense: an omnipotent god would also be omnihalitosic.
• Verse 9: There will be "counterfeit miracles, signs, and wonders", apparently performed by Satan and/or this mysterious lawless one. Jesusianismists, it seems to me that you guys are quite arrogant to believe that you can distinguish between a real MSW and a counterfeit MSW.
• Verse 10: We who object to this hideous non-deity refuse to love the truth. If the author had not already discredited himself by spewing nonsense from the beginning, I might be moved to be a little bit offended. I do, in fact, love the truth. I have been searching for it my whole life. I question things all the time, and I've had to admit that I was wrong more times than I can count. One of my biggest admissions of error was my admission that the bible is a load of shit, not a holy book by any stretch of the imagination.
• Verses 11 and 13: God chose some people to be saved, and sends the rest of us a powerful delusion so we will believe lies and be condemned. Nice.

Bullets Dodged

• Chapter 3, Verse 6: keep away from every brother who is idle and does not live according to Jesusianismist teachings.
• Chapter 3, Verse 14: "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter..." Umm, what instruction? To keep away from idle brothers? This letter hasn't said anything instructive.