Saturday, June 26, 2010

Jesus the Letdown: Revisiting Matthew, Chapter 26

Part 15 of my "Jesus the Letdown" series.
  • Verse 6 -13: A woman pours a very expensive jar of perfume over Jesus' head. His disciples are rightly indignant, noticing that the jar could have been sold for a lot of money, which could then have been given to the poor. Sounds like these guys were more Christ-like than Jesus himself, who defends the woman for preparing him for burial. Umm, if he knew that he was to be resurrected in three days--wait, no, in just over a day and a half; I'll come back to this. If he knew that he was to be resurrected in less than 36 hours' time, why would he let this woman waste the perfume on burial preparations? Seems that either Jesus didn't really expect to be raised from the dead, or was indulging in a little vanity; his body would hardly have had time to smell bad in the tomb for a few hours.
  • Verses 14 - 16: Judas conspires to betray Jesus. My only problem with Judas' behavior and that of the chief priests is that they allowed Jesus to become a martyr. If they'd just allowed him enough rope, he would have hanged himself, as have done many of his followers: the Bakkers, Swaggart, Hovind, Haggard, half the Catholic clergy, and the latest doofus, Rekers.
  • Verse 18: "Go into the city to a 'certain man'"? Now, did Jesus actually use the words "certain man" or did Matthew (or some future evil heretic), not knowing which man Jesus intended, supply "certain man" in an attempt to make sense of the story?
  • Verses 26 - 28: "Take and eat; this is my body...drink from it, all of you. This is my blood..." Disgusting. The Supreme Being of the entire universe wants blood sacrifice? That's not only gross, it's just stupid. Why is Yahweh so similar to all of those so-called heathen gods, demanding death and blood? I'd say that this one, sick characteristic proves that Yahweh is the same as all the other gods: imaginary.
  • Verse 29: Jesus promises not to drink any wine until he can drink with his followers in heaven. So...although in Chapter 22, Verse 30, he said that at the resurrection people will be like the angels in heaven, which I've always assumed to imply something like sexlessness, the men (including himself) who go to heaven will have penises, right? Otherwise, how could they drink anything? This is more of the Muslim/Mormon Jesus I've been seeing. The men, in spite of being sexless, get to keep their equipment, but the women apparently don't. And what use is a body once you've gone to heaven? It will still need fuel, and it will still produce waste, won't it? Or will everyone be some kind of strange mannequins that can drink, but never have to pee?
  • Verses 39, 42, and 44: More "if's" for the record books, as Jesus prays to God (meaning that he was talking to himself) to wonder whether it's possible to avoid this whole crucifixion plan.
  • Verses 40, 43, and 45: His disciples fall asleep? Seriously, if you had a close friend who had told you repeatedly that he expected to be betrayed and killed soon, and who asked you to keep watch, would you fall asleep? I think not. The whole Gethsemane episode sounds fabricated, or at least considerably embellished.
  • Verse 52: "All who draw the sword will die by the sword." Another whopper of a lie from Jesus. This is clearly not true. Plenty of people have drawn their swords and died from non-sword-related causes.
  • Verses 69 - 75: Peter, true to Jesus' prophecy, denies Jesus three times, and just after the third time, a rooster crows, again according to Jesus' prophecy. Why can't Christians (I mean Paulines, because obviously no one really listens to what Jesus ever said) see that this is an obvious fairy tale? The Master of the universe, who sees all of time from the outside and knows what will happen in advance, makes a cheap prediction about Peter's behavior in the immediate future, and a rooster crows "immediately" to show that the prophecy is true. Take a step outside of the story and change the names or something. Imagine someone telling you this story with the characters Papa Smurf and Smurfette. You'd see the foreshadowing and the amateurish resolution, and you'd wonder how the writer could manage to hold a job. Why do we give such huge breaks to a being who is supposedly infinitely wiser than we are? It can't even write worth a crap.

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